Bleed Me My Refuge
by Shadows Desire
Summary: She mourned his loss but when strange dreams start to threat the young Rockbell's Sanity, things go from mournful to just down right Suicidal. [Featured After Ed is taken to other side of the Gate, not movie based] Rated T for Suicidal themes and Violence
1. Chapter 1

A/n: To remind you all, this is my first attempt at a Fullmetal Alchemist Fanfiction, But not my first fanfiction. I know, I know on my profile it says I only have one fanfiction but that is because I deleted my other one. Don't ask why, I just did. Oh yes by the way, this is fanfiction is based after Ed was taken to the other side of the gate, not the movie. I haven't even seen the movie yet, so don't be expecting anything movie based.

Disclaimer: I barley own the box of cheerios in the pantry. (Why do you guys have to remind me that I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist and that I'm not fabulously rich! –Le sobs-)

'_Blah'_ Means thinking

"Blah" Mean normal speaking

-xxxx- A Scene change or a needed spacing (You should be able to tell one from the other)

Chapter 1:

The deeper side to an Accident

**Refuge, in most cases with the word, it means to find somewhere for shelter or a place with protection. No one said the place had to be physical though. Mental refuge is to find relief within yourself or within your mentality. Sometimes the place you seek refuge in, is not always safe.**

-xxxx-

It was a silent night, even though 'the family' was all here. _Well, Almost everyone. _Al, Alphonse Elric. The shy, innocent little child that Winry once knew had become a teenage boy. Not just any teenage boy though, this certain teenage boy had, like his brother, had become a State Alchemist.

It wasn't just a walk through the park though. Al trained with Izumi for a full year and a half before Al believed he was finally worthy of taking up a different title. No more "Fullmetal's brother" or "One of the Elric brothers". He was going to show he could live up to his brother's reputation or maybe even more. Winry knew that he proubly thought if he could become a State Alchemist, he would be more likely to find ways to get to his brother.

Now, here the big family was celebrating Al's coming to be a State Alchemist. Rosé, Auntie Pinako, Izumi and her husband, and last but not least the 'man' of honor, Al. The laughter and chattering had ceased a while ago, after everyone had filled their bellies with Rose and Winry's meal. Winry sighed and rested her head on the desk for a moment, her head was aching and her eyes pleaded to be closed. She refused to give in to her brain's pleads for rest and lifted her head wearily.

She let out a quiet groan and continued at the work infront of her. Automail, she loved it but her only problem was she was sometimes a procrastinator. Oh yes, it wasn't odd for her to be up this late doing work that had to be due the next day. It was shocking at first to Pinako, but she soon let it slide knowing it hadn't been long sense 'that event'. She figured that Winry was still dealing with the sudden mournful loss and went easy on her, only now and then muttering to her granddaughter 'Don't stay up to late.' Worry would linger on the old woman's face, but Winry would usual be too tired to see the obvious emotion written all over her grandmother's face.

Winry yawned as she pulled a metal wire and started to hook it up, a normal process in making her Automail. Then almost out of no where, a shock wave of pain ran through her arm. Winry hissed in pain and looked down at her now bleeding arm. It had turned out, due to Winry's sleepy behavior she hadn't been paying attention and the rather sharp edged wire sliced across her arm. Winry clutched her arm, the crimson regret seeping through the cracks of her knuckles in her clenched hand.

Quite oddly, an emotion swept over her. An emotion she had never felt before, what was it? It wasn't pain; it was something else deep within her. The foreign emotion finally became clear. Need, want, pleasure, It was a weird mix of all those feelings combined. The feeling of the sliced skin, the open bleeding wound. It made a shiver of excitement run down her spine, that's when her eyes widened.

'_What am I thinking? This can't possibly feel good, I'm just tired and delusional that's all, that's all.' _ Winry thought, trying to convince herself that the feeling was nothing at all. She hurriedly, well hurriedly for someone half asleep, got up and wrapped her wound and got back to work.

Only minutes later she finished the job and plopped herself onto the bed, unaware that the feeling was still lingering, breathing and living within her mind, and drifted off to sleep.

-xxxx-

_"Come out, come out wherever you are!" Shouted a cheerful Winry, she looked about the age six. Giggles sounded from a near by bush as the young Edward hid from her. Winry smirked evilly, well evil for a six year old at least, and approached the bush tiptoeing stealthy. She then stopped about a foot away from the bush and playfully tackled the older Elric._

"_Gotcha!" Winry proclaimed giggling, as Ed tried to squirm from her grasp but ended up giving up and started to laugh right along with her. Suddenly the sky darkened and a droplet fell on Winry's forehead._

_"Uh Oh," Winry said looking up. Ed blinked and did the same. "The sky is crying, Ed!"_

_She looked over and her eyes widened seeing the Edward now wielding the form of his Fifteen year old self, as well was she. She didn't even have time to blink when Ed spoke softly._

_"I envy it." She cocked an eyebrow at him but then he continued. "It can cry, cry for days actually, but me.." He paused. _

_"My tears are all dried.." She gave him a sad look, and then looked up again, the droplets shattering into millions of graceful shards as they made contact with her already soaked skin. She glanced back over at Edward and just when she started to get used to the first change, Edward was on the ground smiling. An insane look was etched into his face, looking as if it would permanently remain. Tears flowed down his cheeks like rivers of sorrow and mourn. His tears mixed with fresh blood that splattered and speckled his skin. _

_"My soul bleeds Winry." He got up, just when she thought he couldn't look any more insane, she was proved wrong by his look towards her. "Can you save me Winry? Can you bleed for me Winry?" His tone was dripping with his loss of sanity along with the obvious mocking tone._

_Winry took a step back, but he took a step forward. Then another, and another, and another, with each step her heart raced to a new record speed. _

"_Oh Winry-chan," he said in an evil child tone, "I want to play hide and go seek. Won't you please play with me?" He clapped his hands and placed his right hand onto his left arm, the spear he usually used in combat appeared. Winry ripped her stare away from Edward and tore off running. "Come out, come out…where ever you are." Suddenly pain tore through her shoulder and she fell. "I want you to bleed for me Winry-chan." His voiced echoed within her mind. Bleed..bleed..bleed._

-xxxx-

Winry jolted from her bed, the blankets clinging to her sweating form. She looked around her room franticly, fear written all over her face. She put her head into her hands and sobbed,

"Enough Edward, enough. I can't stand see you one second and you be gone the next." She let out a quiet wail and sobbed out almost incoherent. "I don't want to keep feeling like I'm losing you."

Her door creaked open and a sleepy Al stepped in rubbing his eye. "W-Winry, is something wrong?" he asked, worry in his sleepy aquamarine eyes. Winry looked up and shook her head solemnly; she hid the terror in her eyes with fake happiness. Somehow her short notice plan worked, due to the fact that Al was half asleep, but he believed her. He left her room and let out a sigh as relief washed over her.

She looked down at her arm. The blood had completely soaked through the bandages. She was lucky Al hadn't been fully awake or he would have freaked out. She lifted herself off the bed and made her way over to her closet where she stored her First Aid kit and opened the doors, pulling out the bandage wraps. She took off the old ones, a small droplet of blood cascaded down her pale flesh.

Edward's word echoed through her mind over and over again. She slowly moved her gaze to the last thing 'left of Edward', a picture of them as kids. They were both hugging, a wide smile spread across each of their faces. Her head started to ache and the haunting words Edward spoke in her dream seemed to get louder and louder.

"Stop," she whispered clutching her head, "Stop, stop, stop! Oh please…Leave me alone. I hate-" The words they became ear piercing loud within her head, _"My soul bleeds Winry." _She couldn't take much more of this.

"_Can you save me Winry? Can you bleed for me Winry?" _She was going to snap.

"No! NO! STOP!" she whispered loudly, her voice hoarse from her crying.

"_SAVE ME!" _Edward's blood curdling scream sounded after his voiced echoed harshly in her head. That's it she lost it, a horrible thought crossed her mind and she whispered something to herself. She took one of the screw drivers and stared at it, letting herself sink into deep thought about a most disgraceful thing. Her glazed over eyes stared at it, a decision mingled within her mind, if she made the wrong choice fate would take a sharp turn….for the worst._ **To be continued….**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**Disclaimer:** Hmm…do I own Fullmetal Alchemist? Nope…Now? Afraid not. How about now? –Sigh- No. Ah I guess I'll wait a couple more seconds, maybe I'll own it then! Yep and also that day pigs will fly and rabid fan girls will cease to exist. (Aw man I'm getting my hopes up!)_

_**Chapter 2:**_

-----------------------------------

**A state of mind? _How about none_, Is it just in your head? _I highly doubt it._ How about moving on? _You know you'll never do it._ Hate, deception, depression or insanity? _How about all of the above…_**

-xxxx-

This was it, there was no turning back now, and her mind was made up. That is if you could really call that void of sorrowful, twisted thoughts a mind. She was going to give Edward what he wanted, in some sort of sick way she saw it as her way to being forgiven. Too bad there really wasn't anything to be forgiven for in the first place.

She brought the screw driver down onto her wrist and sunk the small metallic substance into her creamy flesh. She winced, the pain starting to tingle at the spot where the blood surfaced. She paid it no mind and brought the small metal blade up her arm, tearing the skin all the way up. She stopped a couple inches before her elbow and clamped her hand hard onto her arm. The limb was crying crimson regret all over her hand and the floor; she clenched her teeth so hard she swore her gums were crying the same salty liquid too.

She lay on the floor shivering for a minute or so then finally the pain started to subside. She let out a quivering breath, and then almost suddenly giggled. It was a small, almost unsure giggle at first then it turned into horrendous fit of bubbled laughs. Tears streaked down her face and soon the giggles died and she let out a soft, quick sob. She was pathetic and she hated herself down to ever fiber of her being, or so it felt.

Suddenly a knock was at the door and Rose's voice could be heard on the other side saying softly, "Winry? Winry are you okay? I thought I heard crying…" Her voice trailed off slightly. Winry bit her lip slightly then sugar coated her voice and replied. "I'm fine, Rose. I just pricked myself while making some automail that's all!"

"Oh, uh Okay…Sorry for bothering you." She replied just as soft as she did before.

"Oh, no you're not bothering me!" Winry replied a little too hastily.

Rose sighed and sounded as if she was about to protest but then the sound of Rose's baby wails reached her ears and Rose took off to care to her child. Winry struggled up to her bed; nausea swept over her making this a difficult task. She collapsed onto her bed and took in a deep breath of air, it felt so precious, the air, yet she had to be so worthless. Now that she thought about it, she really hadn't been much help to Ed except being there to fix his automail. Sure that was a minor problem, but the real problems were left unhealed. They were the problems that throbbed on the inside, where it hurt the worst. She could never be there to help those kinds of wounds, not then and now not ever.

Tears threatened to fill her already numb and watery eyes. Winry turned her head away from the mirror that hung on the wall across the room. She was ashamed to look at herself, she knew that her eyes were proubly swollen and had the purple or blue bags that every person with the lack of sleep wore. She hugged her legs to her chest and tiredly drifted off to sleep; entering a world, a land of sleep, the place she now hated the most.

-xxxx-

Rose stared at the bubbling soup that sat in the huge pot upon the stove. She had been stirring the soon to be dinner until her worries started to build up and she couldn't help but try to think out a reasonable reason to Winry's behavior. Rose never liked to poke her nose into people's business, and it was pretty obvious too. It was just this certain thing bugged her, she didn't know why but she felt like someone tied a knot with her stomach. Usually when she got that feeling it meant no good.

"Rose! The soup, it's over flowing!" Pinako said, snapping Rose out of her deep thoughts. Her eyes widened and she jumped back a tad and stared in shock at the boiling hot soup that had over flowed all the way to the floor.

"O-oh my." Rose said softly, yet shocked. She turned around to apologize to Pinako but stopped short when Pinako handed her a mop and a bucket.

After cleaning up the mess of wasted soup and turning off the oven it ended up they still had enough soup for dinner. Pinako called upstairs to Winry, saying that dinner was ready. Rose's face suddenly changed from relief to worry, loud thumping could be heard. It sounded as if Winry was hurrying around upstairs…like a maniac. She could hear the hesitant and frantic tone of Winry's voice as she called down replying hastily 'D-down in a minute!'

Rose opened her mouth to tell Pinako about how she was worried, but Pinako beat her to it.

"She's hiding something from us." Rose's eyes widened, she would believe it if Pinako told her that she could read minds. Winry's door could be heard slamming against the wall behind it as she rushed out and started to make her way down the stairs.

-xxxx-

** Winry's P.O.V**

'_Oh great, this is just perfect!'_ I shouted in my head as I rushed around to find something to cover up my arm. I tore through the First aid kit, nothing that I could use. With Band-aids all over my arm it would be more than obvious I was hiding something. Suddenly it hit me. All I needed to do was wear something with long sleeves! 'Oh Winry you moron, the answer was right infront of you the whole time!' I thought mentally slapping myself, as I ripped through my closet and pulled out a long sleeve shirt. Quickly changing into it, putting it on backwards a few times, I rushed to my door. I paused and I literally gulped as my shaking hand neared the doorknob. "Come on; get a hold of yourself Winry." I whispered to myself.

I could exactly go out there twitching and shaking and not have them notice.

I drew in a deep breath and placed my hand on the knob and thrust the door open hard. It was as trying to prove to myself it was open for sure. I winced when I heard it slam into the wall behind it, but decided that matter would be left for later, and walked down stairs. With each step my heart started to sound more and more like a drum being pounded on…furiously. I paused at the step that was right before the wall on the stairway ended. One more step and I would be in their view. I had to stay calm…I had to be myself. Too bad I was far from being myself. I was far from being, Winry Rockbell. I leaned my foot forward inching to what might be my regret.

-xxxx-

(Normal)

Winry, who was practically holding her breath, took the step down and plastered a smile onto her face.

"Winry," Pinako begun but had paused to take a drag on her pipe then followed with puffing out the toxic fumes. "Sit down and eat, Rose has made soup for dinner." Winry obliged and sat down across from her, putting on a normal face and 'happily' waited for her dinner. Rose, not too suspiciously, watched Winry from the corner of her eye as she put the bowls full of soup onto the table infront of Pinako and Winry.

Rose glanced at Winry several times just to try and get a hint or clue to how Winry could be hiding something. Her eyes stopped on Winry's sleeves, they were all stained. Rose mentally laughed, she felt so stupid. Winry had been trying to hide the fact she got oil all over one of her shirts. Rose smiled warmly and said softly,

"Don't worry Winry I'll wash that shirt for you later, I'll get those stains out for you."

Winry looked at Rose confused for a second then looked down at her arms. She paled greatly, she had completely forgotten about wrapping her arms up. Sure the sleeves would cover the cuts from being seen, but blood would easily seep through. Winry turned around and smiled at Rose hoping she didn't know exactly what thoose stains were.

"Thank you Rose, how'd you know this was my favorite shirt?" Winry said, quickly covering for herself. Rose smiled and nodded, Winry mentally sighed. 'She fell for it, oh thank god' Winry thought as she turned back to soup and took a spoonful into her mouth.

"Oh yeah, I got the automail for the customer finished today," She said after swallowing the soup. "But I'm out of parts for the next order of automail." Pinako, who had finished her smoke and started to eat the soup, swallowed her own mouthful of soup and replied, "I'll send Al out for them when he comes back." Winry blinked and looked around the table and asked,

"Al left? Well that's weird I hadn't noticed. Where did he go?"

"He's out with Izumi practicing; he'll be back in an hour." Pinako responded. Winry smiled and nodded, but then Pinako continued. "Maybe he can buy you a new shirt," Winry wearily nodded and was about to say something but Pinako wasn't finished. "We can't have you wearing a shirt with blood all over it."

Winry's eyes widened to the max, and her breath hitched within her throat. Her mind raced to explain, but it all went blank. She just sat there dumbstruck. Rose let out a soft gasp, by the look on Winry's face Pinako spoke the truth. "And while he's out getting those I think you should get busy to cleaning the stairs." Winry slowly turned to glance at the stairway, as if her eyes couldn't get any wider, they did. The stair way and the floor in between her and the staircase had droplets and smears of blood.

_**To be continued…**_

_A/N: Well there you guys go the second chapter. Hope you enjoyed it. Please read and review! Oh yeah and remember creative criticism please if you want to complain about the story. Anyways till the next chapter._


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